Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Lol
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that