“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant