King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
You Might Also Like
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
me before I type out affect or effect
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.