I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no