Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
This is so me 😂😂
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking