I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.