I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.