My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
🚲+physics = winner
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.