[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that