Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.