On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”