Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent