What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.