Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
when dads have a rap battle
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.