911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
bugs when you lift up a rock
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.