me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.