Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
That de-escalated quickly
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?