Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
WHO DID THIS?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.