Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My typo game is string.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.