COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You Might Also Like
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I have a black belt in leather
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Webb. James Webb.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
2 years later
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…