BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
You Might Also Like
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My love language is hissing.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.