You Might Also Like
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Had to try this trend 😊
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
You look like you would fail a DNA test
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.