The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Thinking about Jeff
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO