I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
For the ones in the back.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Realize this:
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
How funny!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids