therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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We’ve come full circle
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Hot Hot Hot
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.