Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions