*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?