Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.