DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I can also cook 😂
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?