Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me too 😆
Getting married soon just need a spouse
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.