Snapes on a plane.
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Catercrombie & Fish
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
This is my bus stop.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls