Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy