Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.