I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*