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when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”