[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
🍛
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“How’s your day going?”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous