Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x