Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
rich people when they have to pay taxes
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos