My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
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My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.