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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Customize Your Wedding.