Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?