3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags