Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad