[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…