Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not