Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You had me at “define legal”.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Passed by a old school Math example today.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky