Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
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If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
A woman drives into a bar.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.