“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
You Might Also Like
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.