If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.