Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.